Welcome to Karma

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
-Theodore Roosevelt

Listen here, you beautiful bitch, I'm about to fuck you up with some truth. Kenny Powers, Eastbound and Down.

I had to do something today that I'm extremely loath to do in general.

Participate in conflict.

Things were so bad at my last job that my wife insisted that I seek professional counseling. Yeah, can you believe that? Me, in counseling? I would have told you previously that I thought such a move was a huge fucking waste of air, but I have to say it has really done me some good. Not the type of good where you get ice cream and gumdrops at the end of it, more the type of good that you get when you get your ass kicked daily but reflect.

And today, I took another stand. This may be catchy after all.

I was a mess before my initial interview with the unemployment examiner. A big mess. I worried and second guessed myself. I worried about what my employer would say. What did they say? Nothing. I told the truth, and it panned out. I received unemployment. Then the employer appealed the award.

So I've been on pins and needles for the past ten days. Waiting for the showdown, the conflict, the moment of truth as it were. I needed to tell my story. Though I didn't feel the need to, my wife and a good friend urged me on. For too long I've eaten shit and said 'thank you' and walked away.

But I've crossed the Rubicon. The die has been cast. Whether I like it or not, the showdown has begun. And as reluctant as I am to move forward, I did it. I told my story again.

I always wondered why abused women stayed in hostile homes. I'm shamed to say that I didn't get it. It seemed obvious to me: get the fuck out, if you don't like it. Great words from a great coward.

My employer said they didn't know what I was going through. No one knew how impossible the situation was that I was in. If only I had said something.

Cockgobblers, the lot of you. You fucking knew.

So I testified, and a good friend, who turns out to be my conscience in a sea of indifference, did his damnedest to help me. As I walked my wife back to work I thought 'If I lose, I'm done, I can't do this again.' And I consulted my conscience.

And he prevailed. His name is Marcus, by the way. "Let's see if we can't get other former folks to testify," he says. "Ok, let's make some calls." As hesitant to do that as I was, I went ahead and did it. And then a vision popped into my head.

My former supervisor told me that I was bad on my feet, I couldn't cut it. Then I remembered. I showed up for my first summary judgment motion, soon after I met my wife, and at that point I was so focused on her tits that I totally forgot to bring my file with me to the courthouse for my first important motion. I sat at the Plaintiff's table alone, with nothing but a pen and my card in front of me. The Judge was extremely forgiving and told me that he would put the defendant's argument on the record, and then I could call back and with the file in front of me, put my argument on the record.

So the argument began. Halfway through the defendant's argument, I stood up and offered to clarify some facts for the Court. I ended up doing the entire argument from memory.

And I won.

When I was in 5th grade, I got tired of hearing how Henry ***** was the smartest guy in our class. To this day, I don't know why that bothered me. But it did. It was the start of Black History Month and our school was going to have a knowledge bowl regarding Black History. Of course the class with Henry ***** was favored. I didn't care, and for reasons still unknown to myself I decided I was taking his ass down. Hard. So I prepared.

As the auditorium filled with students and teachers, I sat there next to my teammates. I was nervous as hell. I went through my answers. I went through everything. I prepared. I was going to leave it all on the floor. One way or the other, I was going to do it.

Three questions in, the moderator said "Mr. NightandDay, please wait for the question to be concluded before you answer." Yeah, that's right, I knew my shit so cold that she got five words out and I knew the answer. The crowd couldn't believe it.

I took that motherfucker down. He didn't know what hit him, and to be fair, he had no reason to expect it. He was a good guy, and I hope he's doing well. But on that day, my will reigned supreme. For too long, I've let that guy go.

But never again. Back to my vision.

I picture myself in a classy bar, having a drink. My former boss walks in. I turn to him and say "Now I am become Death, destroyer of worlds. Your world is next."

For too long, too many good people suffered. For too long, too many people doubted themselves. No one deserves to be treated this way. I did not ask for this role, but I'm going to play it out to the end. One way or the other.

I may lose. That's ok. Now I'm angry, and wow, I had no idea how good it felt. I put that 11 year old version of myself on the shelf. I don't know why, maybe because ultimately I discovered I've viewed myself as nothing more than a mistake, an aberration, a ghost in the machine, a virus the system needed to purge.

While that may all be true, I'm here now. I can't change that. Now I'm going to stand up for something. It's a small battle, one involving a handful of people. But they matter.

Welcome to Karma, supervisor, I will visit my wrath upon you. The truth will set me free. It will also set others free.

I'm done backing down and retiring without fighting. This time, I will engage. You may win, but the world will know.

And as fucked up as people are, they still know the truth when they hear it.

Welcome to Karma.