Help Wanted

My wife has pointed out that I need an assistant. So consider this a help wanted ad.

You: must be punctual and detail oriented, as I'm neither. You must have the patience of Job, and a very healthy sense of humor. You will need a thick skin. You ever seen 'Entourage?' Yeah, I make Ari look like the most sensitive, kind man on the face of the planet. I am horribly inappropriate. I am also obsessed with my dog and boobs. I love boobs. Is there anything better than boobs? I think not. So as to clear up any misunderstandings, I'm not obsessed with my dog's boobs, because that would just be creepy.

Oh, and I'm creepy. You can expect at least 15 comments daily regarding your anatomy, if you're a chick. Don't apply if you have a penis. I expect cleavage, and lots of it. I will also try to grab your boobs. Yeah, I'm like that.

You must also have a good working knowledge of classic rock as at least sixteen times a day I will randomly quote some song that no one's heard in the last decade.

You must have access to a working car. You will be driving me places. I will be in control of the stereo, as I'm that type of asshole.

You must understand that the Rolling Stones Tetralogy Beggars Banquet, Let It Bleed, Sticky Fingers and Exile on Main Street are the four best consecutive albums ever released.

You will be expected to attend all my CLE's and forge my name on the documents. Thanks.

You will be expected to show up for any and all shifts that I may have. You will comport yourself with dignity and grace, which is far better than I do on my own.

You will understand spell check. Grammar as well. Ignore the foregoing sentence.

And what does this pay? Zero. Just the honor of my presence. I will teach you how to be cool. Do as I say, not as I do. Or something like that.

So email me your application, along with a CURRENT photo. I don't want to see what you looked like in 1993. Well, unless you're naked, in which case, send it along, it might help.