I've been a musician most of my life. There is something that is absolutely enchanting about music, it guides, cajoles, and lives in our memories, setting off good thoughts about a time and place.
For me, the pinnacle of music is the guitar solo. Probably because I'm a guitar player, but there is something so American about a guitar. Yes, I know it was invented elsewhere, but rock music is uniquely American and the ultimate expression of guitar is the solo.
I've played hundreds, if not thousands, of guitar solos. My wife will forever hate 'Sympathy for the Devil' because of a ten minute solo I once did on that song.
Anyway, I talk to a lot of guitar players, and every time I mention the following solos, they say 'oh, shit, totally forgot about that, it's fucking awesome.' So that's the requirement for an underrated solo. Solos like 'Stairway to Heaven,' 'All Along the Watchtower,' and 'Hotel California' are iconic. As such, they will not be included. So without any further ado, and in no particular order, here is my list of the ten most underrated guitar solos.
In the Evening, Led Zeppelin, In Through the Out Door, by Jimmy Page. Yes, he's sloppy. And his technique isn't the greatest. But this solo stands out. If you listen closely, you can hear the springs of the tremelo system as they expand at the beginning of this solo. The first time I heard it, I stopped what I was doing, slack jawed and siad 'what the fuck was THAT?'
Mean Street, Van Halen, Fair Warning, Eddie Van Halen. It's difficult to imagine that there is an underrated Van Halen solo, but this one might be the penultimate one. First of all, you have David Lee Roth saying 'Dance, baby' and this wonderful rhythm part underneath it, all glistening and shiny. Then BAM. He tears into a vintage solo that would would give Satan a hard on. It's one of the few solos that I took the time to learn note for note, and it still fucking floors me even though I can play it. Typically, I don't think much of my guitar playing, so if I can play it, I figure it must suck. This one? Yeah, it retains the magic behind the curtain.
No More, No More, Aerosmith, Toys in the Attic, Joe Perry. I never got Aerosmith when I was younger. I liked the hits, but I could never understand why Joe Perry was so highly rated. Then I heard this solo and I never questioned the greatness that is Joe Perry. The outro is unreal. Turn the stereo up, put the car in fifth gear and hit the gas. Make sure to do it on a warm fall day and you too will get this religion. There's a road in Marlton, New Jersey where the trees overgrow the road. You run down this path and stare at the dimpled sunlight through the leaves. If you have this song on while you do it, you will forever be thankful.
Driven to Tears, The Police, Zenyatta Mandatta, Andy Summers. This guy basically takes 16 bars to break into your house, fuck your wife, kick your dog, drink your whiskey, steal your tv and is out the door. You can't even get mad, you just nod in amazement and repeat Will Farrel's line from Anchorman: 'I'm not even mad, I'm just impressed.' It's that fucking good.
In the Mood, Robert Plant, Isle of Wight. There's a version of this song out there and the dude does an 8 minute solo that makes you hang on every note. It starts off a bit slow, just dripping with feel and then explodes into an extravaganza for the ears. If anyone ever asked me: 'how do I know when I'm a good guitar player?' my response would be 'when you can get this solo. Not playing it, just get it.'
Miss You, Eric Clapton, August, Eric Clapton. Yes, this album is totally commercial. The backstory on this solo is Clapton had a very heated argument with the producer, a gentleman by the name of Phil Collins, and he went in to the studio scowling and busted this one out. Clapton is a God, and has many highly regarded solos, but this one is never brought up, and it should be, because you can feel the animosity coming out of the speakers. I've been to three Clapton concerts, and at the first two I fell asleep. I'm not kidding, I was that bored. The third one? I was in the 14th row at the Spectrum and I now understand why there is a God and he is Clapton.
Planet of New Orleans, Dire Straits, On Every Street, Mark Knopfler. If I could be any guitar player, it'd either be Clapton, Van Halen or Mark Knopfler. What he does all over this album is nothing short of kick you in the balls in such a way that you say 'thank you sir, may I have another.' This album, which in my opinion might be Dire Strait's best, is much maligned because of its commercial value. But good is good. And this solo, or series of solos, makes you understand that if Jesus came back today, he'd be sporting a Stratocaster and playing this solo.
Let Me Put My Love Into You, AC/DC, Back in Black, Angus Young. A guitar player once said to me when I told him that I loved Angus 'really? No One Loves Angus.' I just stared at him. This guy does things with a guitar that makes me question if I even exist. To be able to play that way is just unsettling on a fundamental level. As noted in previous posts, my AC/DC shirt, which my wife regrets buying me, is a fundamental part of my existence. And this solo is the reason.
Estranged, Guns and Roses, Use Your Illusion 2, Slash. I was definitely a latecomer to the Guns and Roses Bandwagon, but this album? Holy Mother of Fuck, it was stupendous. Generally regarded by critics as the better of the duo, this one is a late night drive by shooting in the making. The second solo, the one that begins with the volume fade ins, is like an ill wind blowing through your screen door at 5 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon. Unexpected, unwanted, and totally addictive.
My Morning Song, Black Crowes, Southern Harmony and Musical Companion, Rich Robinson/Ford. If you don't have this album, go out and buy it. Right now. It is the most important album in the past 20 years. Hyperbole? Maybe. But I'm telling you, from the opening strains of 'Sting Me' through the sheer slide and sex that is 'My Morning Song' you will not be disappointed. If you like rock music, you'll like this album. And if you don't like this album, you have no soul. Exaggeration? Not a bit.
Bonus 11th Track:
Join Together,The Who, Lifehouse Project, Pete Townshend. This one takes a while to get moving, but like a runaway train, it just picks up speed, bowls you over, and leaves you looking at its tail end wondering what the hell just happened. Both solos in this one are worthy of emulation. The first one is about 4 bars in E, but it doesn't sound like anything I've ever heard. The second one sounds like a desperate lover on a three day binge begging for one more go.
As noted in my last post, Music, Art, and Beauty are the things that make it worth being human. If you don't think so, well, go fuck yourself. This one is my line in the sand.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Some Rules to Try to Live By...
I posted this on a board I frequent. Upon further review, I actually like it, which is very rare for me. So without gilding the Lily further....
I'm 38 and the last five years have been difficult. I may sound sanctimonious, but please don't take it that way, the following advice isn't offered because 'I did it right' but because I did it wrong and I regret it and wish I could go back and do it over.
Leave People Better Than You Find Them. It shames me to admit it, but when I was younger, I really was a shitty guy. As Kant opined, people are ends unto themselves, not means, treat them as such. If you're going to spend any significant amount of time with someone, they are gracing you with their presence, and probably their affection. Be worthy of it, and return it. Do what you can to make their life better for having invested in you.
Repair the Relationships That Are Broken, and Be Sure Of Ending The Ones That Can't Be Repaired. I waited til the eleventh hour to 'fix' the relationship with my father. I can't tell you how lucky I am that I knew my father was passing, and I got this opportunity. Don't be an asshole like me and wait, you may be too late. In the same vein, if a relationship is toxic, and you're sure it is, politely extricate yourself and move on. It is a blessing to both of you, whether you know it or not.
Art, Music, Literature and Beauty Are Important. I contend the only thing that separates us from the other species is Art. The expression of our collective predicament, the commentary on our knowledge that we too will pass. I can't give you a well articulated reason as to why these things are important, I can only say they are. As to beauty, it can be found all around you.
Courtesy and Class Never Go Out of Style. I am a very salty individual. I probably tell my wife to 'fuck off' at least 5 times a day. I do it out of love and humor (and she knows it, and actually invites it because she just laughs at me), but in public, she's my Queen. As to the public at large, they are people whom are just like you. You walk in their shoes. Remember that.
Dare to Follow Your Dreams. Most of you, like it or not, are going to end up an old fuck like me. Doing something you dislike makes life an eternity. I would urge you, to the degree possible, to find something you really like to do when you're younger and adjust your lifestyle accordingly. Maybe it means you have less things, maybe it means you won't have the huge house. I recently eschewed my 'big job' for one that is paying far less. As I said, I'm 38, and have been carded in the past month 3 times because the stress is gone. That said:
Financial Smarts Are Important. As others said, get a budget and adjust your lifestyle. It took me waaaaaaay too long to figure this one out.
Don't Wait To Stand Up For Yourself. I used to think that standing up for yourself meant getting angry. I was wrong. As others have said, don't be afraid of telling someone, in a nice way, that you don't like the way they are treating you. They may change, and if they don't, you know to walk away.
Perfectionism Is A Hollow Mistress. You are going to make mistakes. I recently deleted 90 pages of a book I'm working on because I couldn't stand it. It wasn't perfect. Nothing ever will be, we live in a world of imperfection, don't let the flaws stop you. Again, this was hard earned experience.
Always Be You. Maybe you're inconsistent. Maybe you're not. But whatever you are, try to be true to that. Unless you're an asshole like me, but I believe everyone is capable of change and being a better person. I also believe that the better you is the real you. Find him. Be him. Or her.
Don't Be Afraid to Ask For Help. I've tried to tough many things out on my own, not being willing to admit that whatever task I was undertaking was beyond my abilities. Learn a bit of humility and don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Life is tough, we're in this mess together.
Always Leave the Other Guy An Out With Honor. Never corner someone into a position that they can't potentially leave the situation with grace or dignity. If they choose not to, that's on them.
Finally:
Everyone Gets Low, Try to Help Them Up. Be that guy. Everyone needs a lift, they're having a rough day, they're dog died, whatever, we've all been there. Be the person to look at that person on the ground and say 'hey, here's a hand up.'
I'm 38 and the last five years have been difficult. I may sound sanctimonious, but please don't take it that way, the following advice isn't offered because 'I did it right' but because I did it wrong and I regret it and wish I could go back and do it over.
Leave People Better Than You Find Them. It shames me to admit it, but when I was younger, I really was a shitty guy. As Kant opined, people are ends unto themselves, not means, treat them as such. If you're going to spend any significant amount of time with someone, they are gracing you with their presence, and probably their affection. Be worthy of it, and return it. Do what you can to make their life better for having invested in you.
Repair the Relationships That Are Broken, and Be Sure Of Ending The Ones That Can't Be Repaired. I waited til the eleventh hour to 'fix' the relationship with my father. I can't tell you how lucky I am that I knew my father was passing, and I got this opportunity. Don't be an asshole like me and wait, you may be too late. In the same vein, if a relationship is toxic, and you're sure it is, politely extricate yourself and move on. It is a blessing to both of you, whether you know it or not.
Art, Music, Literature and Beauty Are Important. I contend the only thing that separates us from the other species is Art. The expression of our collective predicament, the commentary on our knowledge that we too will pass. I can't give you a well articulated reason as to why these things are important, I can only say they are. As to beauty, it can be found all around you.
Courtesy and Class Never Go Out of Style. I am a very salty individual. I probably tell my wife to 'fuck off' at least 5 times a day. I do it out of love and humor (and she knows it, and actually invites it because she just laughs at me), but in public, she's my Queen. As to the public at large, they are people whom are just like you. You walk in their shoes. Remember that.
Dare to Follow Your Dreams. Most of you, like it or not, are going to end up an old fuck like me. Doing something you dislike makes life an eternity. I would urge you, to the degree possible, to find something you really like to do when you're younger and adjust your lifestyle accordingly. Maybe it means you have less things, maybe it means you won't have the huge house. I recently eschewed my 'big job' for one that is paying far less. As I said, I'm 38, and have been carded in the past month 3 times because the stress is gone. That said:
Financial Smarts Are Important. As others said, get a budget and adjust your lifestyle. It took me waaaaaaay too long to figure this one out.
Don't Wait To Stand Up For Yourself. I used to think that standing up for yourself meant getting angry. I was wrong. As others have said, don't be afraid of telling someone, in a nice way, that you don't like the way they are treating you. They may change, and if they don't, you know to walk away.
Perfectionism Is A Hollow Mistress. You are going to make mistakes. I recently deleted 90 pages of a book I'm working on because I couldn't stand it. It wasn't perfect. Nothing ever will be, we live in a world of imperfection, don't let the flaws stop you. Again, this was hard earned experience.
Always Be You. Maybe you're inconsistent. Maybe you're not. But whatever you are, try to be true to that. Unless you're an asshole like me, but I believe everyone is capable of change and being a better person. I also believe that the better you is the real you. Find him. Be him. Or her.
Don't Be Afraid to Ask For Help. I've tried to tough many things out on my own, not being willing to admit that whatever task I was undertaking was beyond my abilities. Learn a bit of humility and don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Life is tough, we're in this mess together.
Always Leave the Other Guy An Out With Honor. Never corner someone into a position that they can't potentially leave the situation with grace or dignity. If they choose not to, that's on them.
Finally:
Everyone Gets Low, Try to Help Them Up. Be that guy. Everyone needs a lift, they're having a rough day, they're dog died, whatever, we've all been there. Be the person to look at that person on the ground and say 'hey, here's a hand up.'
Friday, August 20, 2010
Random Thoughts from Mr. Mom
I'm about six hair follicles and living with my parents away from being George Costanza." Me, to my wife the other day.
I am currently unemployed. Yes, I have gotten messages and texts from some of you over the past several months about how hard it was for me to land that job and then I just up and quit.
Maybe it's because at 38 years of age, I've decided getting yelled at by people that don't touch my fun stuff is not as appealing as it once was. I'll get into more about that at some other time, but suffice it to say that it was a wake up call about what I do, or rather did, for a living.
Since law school, I've worked the typical 8-6 routine. I rarely took vacations. Yes, I'm going somewhere with this. Anyway, it's absolutely amazing to me how life goes on between 9-5. I guess I figured when I hopped in my car every morning and headed to work with visions of 'how can I murder my boss and some of my co-workers and get away with it' I just assumed life just kind of stopped.
Boy, was I wrong. So now I'm Mr. Mom. I vacuum, cook, clean the bathroom and take care of a whole host of things that you never get around to when you're working 'full time.' The sad part of it is I find it far more fulfilling than anything I ever did in 'my important lawyer job.' Taking a step back from it all has been an amazing experience. And a very good one for me. So here are a bunch of random thoughts I've had over the past couple of months, and I won't pretend there's any connection between them other than they're thoughts I had:
1. Adding the word 'consultant' to your job title increases your pay by about 50% and decreases your hours worked by about 70%. I have a friend that does this, and it floors me. He makes his own hours, generally puts up with some aggravation, and is well compensated. This has totally changed how I view work and I am exceedingly jealous of this friend. I see him as a modern day Jesus, and well, at some point, someone is going to have to bust out some nails and find some wood because his nature threatens the status quo of the current worklife existence and we can't have that type of guy running around, can we?
2. The amount of public urination that goes on is astounding. It's like a goddamned epidemic. I live next to an empty lot and I'll often stand on the roof and have a smoke. In any given week, I'll see at least 5-8 people urinating in this lot. Including chicks. Assuming that the amount of public urination is a constant, extrapolating how long I'm outside to witness it, I'd say there's at least 50-80 people peeing in the fucking alley. I used to think that those public urination tickets that got doled out were such bullshit. Now, not so much. Seriously, I'm so grossed out I'm tempted to wrap my dog in Saranwrap before she goes out. It's fucking disgusting. To fight this, in my own small way, when I see people doing this I begin yelling 'Hey everybody, look at Mr. Small Bladder. Apparently, indoor plumbing is not good enough for piss-boy' or some variation of that. It helps that I'm forty five feet up and behind locked doors. Man, people sure do get pissed when you point out they're pissing.
3. I'm a bigger asshole than I previously thought. That's saying something.
4. Fuck Mark Twain. I was far smarter at 18 than I am now. I don't know what happened, but somewhere along the way I stopped listening to my gut, or 'that little voice' that Magnum used to talk about. Speaking of which, Magnum was fucking awesome. Anyway, I used to trust myself a lot more than I do now, and when I look back at many of the mistakes I've made, I knew they were coming, but let them happen anyway. It reminds me of this class I took many years ago, we were discussing probable cause. There was a cop in our class, and he was a real good guy. "You have no idea what probable cause is when you're on patrol. All I can tell you is you see and take in things that you're not even aware of at the time. You can't articulate it, but you know." Normally, this type of talk from a cop would scare the bejesus out of me, but I know what he meant.
So back to trusting my gut and we'll see how that goes.
5. I must be a good lay, because the world never seems to pass up an opportunity to fuck me. So now that I'm unemployed, I figured that I would end up watching ESPN a lot. It figures that when I get the chance to, the only fucking thing ESPN runs is World Cup Soccer. Soccer is one of the most poorly designed sports ever. The first day of this worldwide extravaganza had two games that ended in a tie. A fucking tie? No sport should ever end in a tie, it's wholly unsatisfying, and indicates the designers of the sport did a poor job. I fell asleep and a soccer game came on, woke up, saw the score was 0-0, fell back to sleep and woke up an hour later. What was the score? 0-0. And the announcers were going on about what a great game it was. Bullshit. Nothing happened. Dumbass sport.
Like it couldn't have been wet t shirt week? Man, I love boobs.
6. Most people think their jobs are important. Little do they realize that most work is no different than those stupid workbooks we had when we were in grade school. And the funny thing is you knew at age 8 that this was bullshit, but somehow doing the same bullshit at age 28 makes you Bill Gates. I assure you, it doesn't. You were right at 8 and now you're just lying to yourself. You can thank me later.
7. People are largely unable to walk correctly. This fucking baffles me. For most folks, you've theoretically been walking for the majority of your life. Yet you still suck at it. Sadly, and I hate to throw anyone under the bus here, my wife is one of the offenders. My wife's method of walking is picking a spot 100 yards ahead, and walking in a straight line. I mean really fucking straight, like you could make a ruler out of that line. Now, this sounds like a good idea, because that's how many people learn to drive (i.e. you pick a spot in the distance, not look right in front of you), but falls apart quickly in practice. Where my wife's method falls apart is that she does not seem to account for any structures, people, or anything that is on the imaginary line. She just bowls ahead. Invariably, something is in 'the line' and this drives my wife nuts. I won't lie. I find it funny, because she will inevitably bust out the 'can you believe these clown-asses?' I just nod and smile.
8. Never, under any circumstances, allow your significant other or spouse anywhere near you with a pointy object. I've always known this, but for some reason I fail to listen to my own advice. Recently I had what can only be described as Mount Vesuvius on the back of my leg. So, being me, I freaked. I told my wife to look at it, and the next thing I know I'm getting stabbed to death in the leg. I barely survived. I also had gas the other day and thought it was a hernia, so I could be exaggerating. Maybe.
And finally, random quotes I've become attached to:
If I had a good rack, I'd rule the world. - Me, at lunch last week with a friend.
If our dogs were people, Sam would have been an accountant, and Dahlia a coked out stripper. Me, with my wife.
Believe me, if I didn't love tits and ass so much, I wouldn't put up with the crazy either. Me, to my friend (who happens to be gay).
All women are crazy. Yes, they are. And all men are assholes. So for women it's about finding an asshole you can tolerate and for men it's about finding a crazy you can deal with. Me, at lunch. I'm not 100% sure I came up with this quote, so if someone else did please let me know via e-mail or comment.
I like being married fine. Why did I get married? I'd like to tell you that I did it because we saw each other from across a windswept meadow and "Crazy for You" was playing in the background while an audience cheered and we moved in slow motion towards the center of the meadow to passionately embrace. Unfortunately, that couldn't be further from the truth. The fact of the matter is you get tired of dating because you just know at some point, the odds are going to catch up to you and you're going to wake up bound and gagged in a basement sitting on a kiddie chair having a tea party with some bitch saying 'Now you can never leave me like all the others' and you figure 'fuck it, the crazy I know is better than the crazy I don't know.' And thus you stop dating and get married. Romantic, ain't it? Me, to an unmarried friend.
Uh, were you the drunk guy? - A friend of mine, upon entering his bar at 10 a.m. on a Tuesday to find the bartender passed out in a booth, and whom upon waking said that some drunk guy came in around one a.m., knocked over a bunch of glasses and left so the bartender locked up and passed out in the booth.
It's not that I dislike the homeless per se, but they could dress a little better, don't you think? Me, showing my sensitive side.
I am currently unemployed. Yes, I have gotten messages and texts from some of you over the past several months about how hard it was for me to land that job and then I just up and quit.
Maybe it's because at 38 years of age, I've decided getting yelled at by people that don't touch my fun stuff is not as appealing as it once was. I'll get into more about that at some other time, but suffice it to say that it was a wake up call about what I do, or rather did, for a living.
Since law school, I've worked the typical 8-6 routine. I rarely took vacations. Yes, I'm going somewhere with this. Anyway, it's absolutely amazing to me how life goes on between 9-5. I guess I figured when I hopped in my car every morning and headed to work with visions of 'how can I murder my boss and some of my co-workers and get away with it' I just assumed life just kind of stopped.
Boy, was I wrong. So now I'm Mr. Mom. I vacuum, cook, clean the bathroom and take care of a whole host of things that you never get around to when you're working 'full time.' The sad part of it is I find it far more fulfilling than anything I ever did in 'my important lawyer job.' Taking a step back from it all has been an amazing experience. And a very good one for me. So here are a bunch of random thoughts I've had over the past couple of months, and I won't pretend there's any connection between them other than they're thoughts I had:
1. Adding the word 'consultant' to your job title increases your pay by about 50% and decreases your hours worked by about 70%. I have a friend that does this, and it floors me. He makes his own hours, generally puts up with some aggravation, and is well compensated. This has totally changed how I view work and I am exceedingly jealous of this friend. I see him as a modern day Jesus, and well, at some point, someone is going to have to bust out some nails and find some wood because his nature threatens the status quo of the current worklife existence and we can't have that type of guy running around, can we?
2. The amount of public urination that goes on is astounding. It's like a goddamned epidemic. I live next to an empty lot and I'll often stand on the roof and have a smoke. In any given week, I'll see at least 5-8 people urinating in this lot. Including chicks. Assuming that the amount of public urination is a constant, extrapolating how long I'm outside to witness it, I'd say there's at least 50-80 people peeing in the fucking alley. I used to think that those public urination tickets that got doled out were such bullshit. Now, not so much. Seriously, I'm so grossed out I'm tempted to wrap my dog in Saranwrap before she goes out. It's fucking disgusting. To fight this, in my own small way, when I see people doing this I begin yelling 'Hey everybody, look at Mr. Small Bladder. Apparently, indoor plumbing is not good enough for piss-boy' or some variation of that. It helps that I'm forty five feet up and behind locked doors. Man, people sure do get pissed when you point out they're pissing.
3. I'm a bigger asshole than I previously thought. That's saying something.
4. Fuck Mark Twain. I was far smarter at 18 than I am now. I don't know what happened, but somewhere along the way I stopped listening to my gut, or 'that little voice' that Magnum used to talk about. Speaking of which, Magnum was fucking awesome. Anyway, I used to trust myself a lot more than I do now, and when I look back at many of the mistakes I've made, I knew they were coming, but let them happen anyway. It reminds me of this class I took many years ago, we were discussing probable cause. There was a cop in our class, and he was a real good guy. "You have no idea what probable cause is when you're on patrol. All I can tell you is you see and take in things that you're not even aware of at the time. You can't articulate it, but you know." Normally, this type of talk from a cop would scare the bejesus out of me, but I know what he meant.
So back to trusting my gut and we'll see how that goes.
5. I must be a good lay, because the world never seems to pass up an opportunity to fuck me. So now that I'm unemployed, I figured that I would end up watching ESPN a lot. It figures that when I get the chance to, the only fucking thing ESPN runs is World Cup Soccer. Soccer is one of the most poorly designed sports ever. The first day of this worldwide extravaganza had two games that ended in a tie. A fucking tie? No sport should ever end in a tie, it's wholly unsatisfying, and indicates the designers of the sport did a poor job. I fell asleep and a soccer game came on, woke up, saw the score was 0-0, fell back to sleep and woke up an hour later. What was the score? 0-0. And the announcers were going on about what a great game it was. Bullshit. Nothing happened. Dumbass sport.
Like it couldn't have been wet t shirt week? Man, I love boobs.
6. Most people think their jobs are important. Little do they realize that most work is no different than those stupid workbooks we had when we were in grade school. And the funny thing is you knew at age 8 that this was bullshit, but somehow doing the same bullshit at age 28 makes you Bill Gates. I assure you, it doesn't. You were right at 8 and now you're just lying to yourself. You can thank me later.
7. People are largely unable to walk correctly. This fucking baffles me. For most folks, you've theoretically been walking for the majority of your life. Yet you still suck at it. Sadly, and I hate to throw anyone under the bus here, my wife is one of the offenders. My wife's method of walking is picking a spot 100 yards ahead, and walking in a straight line. I mean really fucking straight, like you could make a ruler out of that line. Now, this sounds like a good idea, because that's how many people learn to drive (i.e. you pick a spot in the distance, not look right in front of you), but falls apart quickly in practice. Where my wife's method falls apart is that she does not seem to account for any structures, people, or anything that is on the imaginary line. She just bowls ahead. Invariably, something is in 'the line' and this drives my wife nuts. I won't lie. I find it funny, because she will inevitably bust out the 'can you believe these clown-asses?' I just nod and smile.
8. Never, under any circumstances, allow your significant other or spouse anywhere near you with a pointy object. I've always known this, but for some reason I fail to listen to my own advice. Recently I had what can only be described as Mount Vesuvius on the back of my leg. So, being me, I freaked. I told my wife to look at it, and the next thing I know I'm getting stabbed to death in the leg. I barely survived. I also had gas the other day and thought it was a hernia, so I could be exaggerating. Maybe.
And finally, random quotes I've become attached to:
If I had a good rack, I'd rule the world. - Me, at lunch last week with a friend.
If our dogs were people, Sam would have been an accountant, and Dahlia a coked out stripper. Me, with my wife.
Believe me, if I didn't love tits and ass so much, I wouldn't put up with the crazy either. Me, to my friend (who happens to be gay).
All women are crazy. Yes, they are. And all men are assholes. So for women it's about finding an asshole you can tolerate and for men it's about finding a crazy you can deal with. Me, at lunch. I'm not 100% sure I came up with this quote, so if someone else did please let me know via e-mail or comment.
I like being married fine. Why did I get married? I'd like to tell you that I did it because we saw each other from across a windswept meadow and "Crazy for You" was playing in the background while an audience cheered and we moved in slow motion towards the center of the meadow to passionately embrace. Unfortunately, that couldn't be further from the truth. The fact of the matter is you get tired of dating because you just know at some point, the odds are going to catch up to you and you're going to wake up bound and gagged in a basement sitting on a kiddie chair having a tea party with some bitch saying 'Now you can never leave me like all the others' and you figure 'fuck it, the crazy I know is better than the crazy I don't know.' And thus you stop dating and get married. Romantic, ain't it? Me, to an unmarried friend.
Uh, were you the drunk guy? - A friend of mine, upon entering his bar at 10 a.m. on a Tuesday to find the bartender passed out in a booth, and whom upon waking said that some drunk guy came in around one a.m., knocked over a bunch of glasses and left so the bartender locked up and passed out in the booth.
It's not that I dislike the homeless per se, but they could dress a little better, don't you think? Me, showing my sensitive side.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Contest 2 - Shitty Bosses
Ok, here's contest number two. I have some good stories regarding my newest boss. So, in the spirit of giving and whatnot (I'm such a giver) I offer the following contest:
If you send me a good boss story, I'll post it (without identifying characteristics) AND, wait for it:
I'll answer any questions you may have on how to deal with an unruly and uppity boss.
Yup, you could not only get your e-mail published, but get your problem solved.
Is there any better contest in the world?
I think not.
E-mail's on the left hand side, under the links. I mention this because one of my retarded friends said 'hey, you didn't include your e-mail in your last contest.'
Yeah, that's the type of friends I have.
If you send me a good boss story, I'll post it (without identifying characteristics) AND, wait for it:
I'll answer any questions you may have on how to deal with an unruly and uppity boss.
Yup, you could not only get your e-mail published, but get your problem solved.
Is there any better contest in the world?
I think not.
E-mail's on the left hand side, under the links. I mention this because one of my retarded friends said 'hey, you didn't include your e-mail in your last contest.'
Yeah, that's the type of friends I have.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Contest
I'm in the process of writing my last Will and Testament. So I decided that I would have a contest. The rules are simple. E-mail me as to why you think you should be in my Will, which I assure you is an honor of the highest magnitude. If I like your reasoning, I might, maybe, leave you something when I shuffle off this mortal coil.
Oh, don't ask for money. Well, you can ask, but I doubt highly you'll like what I leave you.
So hit me up, I'll accept submissions through Sunday. The Will goes up on Monday, April 19.
Oh, don't ask for money. Well, you can ask, but I doubt highly you'll like what I leave you.
So hit me up, I'll accept submissions through Sunday. The Will goes up on Monday, April 19.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Just Another Rat Looking for Some Cheese
Fire falls, winds blow
There's trouble and it won't go
I'd really like to help you but you know
Truth twists, lies dance
Money money greed chant
Let's take a little more before we go
Cause we won't be back again
No, we won't be back again
~Liars Dance, Robert Plant
I received an offer from the firm I interviewed with over the past few weeks. I'm still a little stunned by it all. I heard nothing, absolutely nothing, for 6 months, since my hours got cut and I took the detour down the 'would you like fries with that' road.
Now, of course, I had to fuck with the wife a bit. I wouldn't be me if I didn't. And before you get too critical, my wife knew exactly what she was getting when she took me down off that shelf in the great grocery store of dating and had me scanned, bagged and tossed in her trunk. I can only presume my wife feels that she has committed some great sin that I am unaware of and I am penance for that sin. Whatever, her problem, not mine.
Anyway. I had my last interview. It was really short. I walked out of there pretty unsure of whether or not I was going to get an offer. I immediately called my wife and gave her the rundown. I told her I didn't think I was getting an offer.
As we chatted back and forth all day, I told her I was taking a philosophical view of the whole thing. I got interviewing experience, put myself out there, and hey, it didn't pan out.
Until 4:15 that afternoon when I received the offer.
I went home, and the amount of relief I felt was overwhelming. My wife gets home from work just after I returned from the dog park with my insane puppy. That is not a sexual reference by the way.
"Ok, I have a nice speech all worked out, I don't want you to say anything, I want you to just listen because I know how you are."
Now, to be fair, I had already decided that I was going to fuck with her a bit. But this just sealed the deal.
"Ok." And I did play up the 'stern, pensive, stoic, 'I'm really hurting on the inside but trying hard not to show it' look.' Yeah, I'm a dick, I know. So we went out to dinner (because I was too upset to cook, again, see previous line). My wife did a great job with her speech in trying to lift my spirits. It's not her fault that they didn't need lifting.
To my credit, I kept a straight face. For about an hour. She then says 'Don't forget to get your thank you notes out.'
"Yeah, you're right, but first I should probably get out my counter-offer to the offer they made me today."
And the look on her face was worth it. She followed up with a few 'you're such a prick's and 'what an asshole's. But she was happy.
Now here's where it gets weird. And I'm still not 100% sure why it got this way.
Yesterday, I started feeling sentimental, nostalgic even. As I've previously written, I did get blindsided by my boss last July - right before my birthday and vacation to boot - but I couldn't shake the feeling.
I actually started to remotely entertain the idea that I might not leave. Maybe it was nothing more than the remnants of misplaced loyalty.
I also had a conversation with another lawyer I'm friendly with yesterday morning. And she said 'oh, you're going back to the grind of firm life?' And I thought about that.
On the one hand, this place has quite a few memories for me. I was standing out front when I listened to the voice mail from the doctor that my dad had died. I was sitting in this office when my wife and I first started talking. I learned how to be a lawyer in this very seat. And like it or not, I do identify myself, to an extent, as a lawyer. Yeah, part of me was born here.
But it went deeper than that. I figured out what it was.
Fear. I'm scared. My whole professional life has been spent in the same place. You get used to things, you know? Those things may not be great objectively, but you find a way to make it work in your day to day life. You get comfortable. Granted, you may be comfortable in a 'I'm on a couch in a double wide' comfortable, but it is a measure of comfort nonetheless.
And fear is a funny thing, once it starts to get a hold of you.
Am I good enough for this new job?
Do I deserve this opportunity?
Am I going to do well?
And that part of me whispers 'No, no you're not, and you know it.' And there it is. Your worst fears realized. At least in your mind.
You're not good enough.
It's going to be daunting. New work, new workplace, new people, new boss. Bosses, plural, actually.
But as I mentioned in a previous post, it's like Babe and Bill said, 'everyone is scared.' Are you scared? What are you afraid of? Go ahead, look inside. What do you see? What keeps you up at night? Makes you sweat, makes you shake? Makes you doubt?
Over seven years. I once had a loaded gun pointed at me. I would like to tell you that in that moment everything flashed before my eyes. It didn't.
Which is what makes this more difficult in some ways. Everything comes back to you.
The victories.
The defeats.
The hopes.
The dreams.
The disappointments.
All right there for my viewing pleasure. I'm actually amazed at all the things I've done.
But alas, I know I'm returning to the grind. Living my professional life six minutes at a time. The stress, the desire to excel. At my age, I thought I'd be done paying my dues. And yes, that's a bit of an entitlement complex on my part, one I've had to get over in the past six months.
And letting go can be one of the most difficult things. When I took the job I have currently, I wanted to succeed. I wanted to make it work. And for a while, it did. But ultimately, you reach dead ends in that maze called life. And this is certainly a dead end. Not because my boss is a jerk, which for the most part he isn't, but because the industry is dying.
My time is running out.
And I can only bang my head against a dead end so many times. The scrapes, bruises and blood a testament to my fear. My fear of leaving that which I've known. People fall into one of two categories: people who love change, and those who hate it. I think you can guess what category I'm in.
So time to turn around, and head back to the start of this path in my maze. Now that I stand at that crossroads, there's not really too many paths to choose from. But that elusive scent of cheese is on the air.
And I'm just another hungry rat looking for his next meal.
Who claims no man is an island
While I land up in jeopardy
More distant from you by degrees
I walk this shore in isolation
And at my feet, eternity
draws ever sweeter plans for me
I know why, I know why
Crazy, on a ship of fools, ah, crazy on a ship of fools
turn this boat around, back to my loving ground
Ship of fools
~Robert Plant, 'Ship of Fools*'
Plus, there's one major change I need to make before my next job. And it is a daunting one. One that will be the subject of my next blog.
*I can't tell you why, but whenever I knowingly face change, I pull out Robert Plant/Led Zeppelin albums. Maybe because it's the soundtrack of my misspent youth and there's great comfort in the familiarity of it. Plus it's just great music.
There's trouble and it won't go
I'd really like to help you but you know
Truth twists, lies dance
Money money greed chant
Let's take a little more before we go
Cause we won't be back again
No, we won't be back again
~Liars Dance, Robert Plant
I received an offer from the firm I interviewed with over the past few weeks. I'm still a little stunned by it all. I heard nothing, absolutely nothing, for 6 months, since my hours got cut and I took the detour down the 'would you like fries with that' road.
Now, of course, I had to fuck with the wife a bit. I wouldn't be me if I didn't. And before you get too critical, my wife knew exactly what she was getting when she took me down off that shelf in the great grocery store of dating and had me scanned, bagged and tossed in her trunk. I can only presume my wife feels that she has committed some great sin that I am unaware of and I am penance for that sin. Whatever, her problem, not mine.
Anyway. I had my last interview. It was really short. I walked out of there pretty unsure of whether or not I was going to get an offer. I immediately called my wife and gave her the rundown. I told her I didn't think I was getting an offer.
As we chatted back and forth all day, I told her I was taking a philosophical view of the whole thing. I got interviewing experience, put myself out there, and hey, it didn't pan out.
Until 4:15 that afternoon when I received the offer.
I went home, and the amount of relief I felt was overwhelming. My wife gets home from work just after I returned from the dog park with my insane puppy. That is not a sexual reference by the way.
"Ok, I have a nice speech all worked out, I don't want you to say anything, I want you to just listen because I know how you are."
Now, to be fair, I had already decided that I was going to fuck with her a bit. But this just sealed the deal.
"Ok." And I did play up the 'stern, pensive, stoic, 'I'm really hurting on the inside but trying hard not to show it' look.' Yeah, I'm a dick, I know. So we went out to dinner (because I was too upset to cook, again, see previous line). My wife did a great job with her speech in trying to lift my spirits. It's not her fault that they didn't need lifting.
To my credit, I kept a straight face. For about an hour. She then says 'Don't forget to get your thank you notes out.'
"Yeah, you're right, but first I should probably get out my counter-offer to the offer they made me today."
And the look on her face was worth it. She followed up with a few 'you're such a prick's and 'what an asshole's. But she was happy.
Now here's where it gets weird. And I'm still not 100% sure why it got this way.
Yesterday, I started feeling sentimental, nostalgic even. As I've previously written, I did get blindsided by my boss last July - right before my birthday and vacation to boot - but I couldn't shake the feeling.
I actually started to remotely entertain the idea that I might not leave. Maybe it was nothing more than the remnants of misplaced loyalty.
I also had a conversation with another lawyer I'm friendly with yesterday morning. And she said 'oh, you're going back to the grind of firm life?' And I thought about that.
On the one hand, this place has quite a few memories for me. I was standing out front when I listened to the voice mail from the doctor that my dad had died. I was sitting in this office when my wife and I first started talking. I learned how to be a lawyer in this very seat. And like it or not, I do identify myself, to an extent, as a lawyer. Yeah, part of me was born here.
But it went deeper than that. I figured out what it was.
Fear. I'm scared. My whole professional life has been spent in the same place. You get used to things, you know? Those things may not be great objectively, but you find a way to make it work in your day to day life. You get comfortable. Granted, you may be comfortable in a 'I'm on a couch in a double wide' comfortable, but it is a measure of comfort nonetheless.
And fear is a funny thing, once it starts to get a hold of you.
Am I good enough for this new job?
Do I deserve this opportunity?
Am I going to do well?
And that part of me whispers 'No, no you're not, and you know it.' And there it is. Your worst fears realized. At least in your mind.
You're not good enough.
It's going to be daunting. New work, new workplace, new people, new boss. Bosses, plural, actually.
But as I mentioned in a previous post, it's like Babe and Bill said, 'everyone is scared.' Are you scared? What are you afraid of? Go ahead, look inside. What do you see? What keeps you up at night? Makes you sweat, makes you shake? Makes you doubt?
Over seven years. I once had a loaded gun pointed at me. I would like to tell you that in that moment everything flashed before my eyes. It didn't.
Which is what makes this more difficult in some ways. Everything comes back to you.
The victories.
The defeats.
The hopes.
The dreams.
The disappointments.
All right there for my viewing pleasure. I'm actually amazed at all the things I've done.
But alas, I know I'm returning to the grind. Living my professional life six minutes at a time. The stress, the desire to excel. At my age, I thought I'd be done paying my dues. And yes, that's a bit of an entitlement complex on my part, one I've had to get over in the past six months.
And letting go can be one of the most difficult things. When I took the job I have currently, I wanted to succeed. I wanted to make it work. And for a while, it did. But ultimately, you reach dead ends in that maze called life. And this is certainly a dead end. Not because my boss is a jerk, which for the most part he isn't, but because the industry is dying.
My time is running out.
And I can only bang my head against a dead end so many times. The scrapes, bruises and blood a testament to my fear. My fear of leaving that which I've known. People fall into one of two categories: people who love change, and those who hate it. I think you can guess what category I'm in.
So time to turn around, and head back to the start of this path in my maze. Now that I stand at that crossroads, there's not really too many paths to choose from. But that elusive scent of cheese is on the air.
And I'm just another hungry rat looking for his next meal.
Who claims no man is an island
While I land up in jeopardy
More distant from you by degrees
I walk this shore in isolation
And at my feet, eternity
draws ever sweeter plans for me
I know why, I know why
Crazy, on a ship of fools, ah, crazy on a ship of fools
turn this boat around, back to my loving ground
Ship of fools
~Robert Plant, 'Ship of Fools*'
Plus, there's one major change I need to make before my next job. And it is a daunting one. One that will be the subject of my next blog.
*I can't tell you why, but whenever I knowingly face change, I pull out Robert Plant/Led Zeppelin albums. Maybe because it's the soundtrack of my misspent youth and there's great comfort in the familiarity of it. Plus it's just great music.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Opportunity Knocks, Part Two
Oh boy. Had my second and third interviews this morning. Managed to come across as only functionally retarded. The last interviewer said that she was going to walk into the partner's office and recommend hiring me. They would then speak with the partner I interviewed with last week. They 'wanted to move quickly on this.'
So, yeah, I guess it went pretty well. Now the hard part. The waiting.
Yikes.
Could this be the return of the Last Emperor? Perhaps. I've never been a fan of suspense. Today is merely reconfirming that position.
Think good thoughts. Or just refrain from thinking evil ones in my general direction. Perhaps just for a couple of days.
So, yeah, I guess it went pretty well. Now the hard part. The waiting.
Yikes.
Could this be the return of the Last Emperor? Perhaps. I've never been a fan of suspense. Today is merely reconfirming that position.
Think good thoughts. Or just refrain from thinking evil ones in my general direction. Perhaps just for a couple of days.
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