My Banned List

Several months ago, I went on a trip to Washington, DC with my wife and a good friend to see another friend of ours. Have you ever been? Don't bother. Yeah, I know, 'it's got history' and 'it's the Capital of this great country' and 'I hear there are hookers that are real cheap.'

One of the first things I noticed is the amount of uggos walking around. If San Franciso is a the gay Mecca, then DC is the hideously deformed people Mecca. Every person that I talked to that seemed reasonably good-looking was invariably from elsewhere. It was highly disturbing. I guess Kissinger was right when he said that power is an aphrodisiac, because otherwise, these people would never get laid without significant amounts of cash changing hands.

The traffic? Holy Mother of God. I can only imagine the aerial view of the area looks like a plate of spaghetti had vomited all over the map.

I also saw some of the most bizarre looking trannies that I've ever seen. I live in a major city, so I've seen trannies before. I guess I never thought that I was lucky enough to live in a city with a better cut of tranny. Yay for me, I suppose.

This is not to say that I didn't have a good time. I did. Mostly because I like my wife and my friends. Short of that, you could wipe it all from the map and I wouldn't blink an eye.

Anyway, upon our return, my friend sent me the link found below. I'm generally a pretty mild-mannered person, but some things, well, some things a man of honor can't let stand without comment. As such, upon reading the link below, I sent the following e-mail to the National Archives.

To whom it may concern:

I have a comment regarding the following article/exhibit:
http://www.loc.gov/exhibits/treasures/tri001.html

I'll just start with the first line: "Pierre-Charles
L'Enfant's 1791 plan for the city of Washington is one of
the great landmarks in city planning. "

Are you people high? How anyone could draft such a
statement without falling dead from the sheer stupidity of
it looking back at them boggles my mind.

The French suck. The fact that a Frenchie designed
the Capital of this great nation is a great source of
shame. As it should be. If you look in the
dictionary next to the word 'French' it clearly states
'people who suck. lolfrenchies.' It's science.

The design of DC could have been improved dramatically by
doing the following:

Find a retarded gerbil

With Epilepsy.

Dip it in ink.

Drop on clean sheet of paper.

Induce seizure.

Have you seen Florida Ave? I did. Once.
Because no one can probably ever find it again. DC has
two '15th' streets. How this is acceptable is beyond
imagining. No one else in the world would
come up with such a boneheaded idea. And if they did,
I don't want to know about it.

Your street names, on first blush, seem to make
sense. That is, until you actually try to find
them. Then not so much. I believe I saw a corner
of M and M street. I could have been hallucinating on
roofies at the time, so don't quote me on that. I
thought the circles in Jersey were bad, but that's a walk in
the park compared to the shitfests that litter DC.

Frankly, I attribute the United States' primacy in the
world to this design. So it was successful on that
level. I can only believe that foreign dignitaries
come to DC and think 'Holy shit, I live in a mud hovel next
to a Yak, but these bitches are flat out fucking crazy.'

As such, I have placed Washington, DC on my personal 'ban
list.' Other notable residents on my ban list are
Dunkin Donuts, the corner store that I thought was a Wawa
but turned out to be some low rent convenience store (it's
in Berlin, NJ), and all of Europe. Actually, at my
wife's urging I am re-examining my ban of the United
Kingdom, so they may come off the list.

Also, I respectfully request that you remove the article as
your very soul depends on it. Satan himself would not
allow that Frenchie in Hell, because he'd be jealous of the
design and worried that the Frenchie would take over.
Come to think of it, maybe that idiot IS Satan.

Anyway, if you fix the streets so that they don't look like
someone with Cerebral Palsy designed it on an etch a sketch
while riding a rabid camel, I will consider lifting the
ban.

Thank you for your time and attention, have a nice day.

A proud American

Night and Day

I sent that e-mail months ago and I have not received a response. You have much to answer for, DC. Oh, I've also added China to my 'banned' list.

My wife was fearful that I would not be able to get a passport and that I'd be on some 'National Security List' or I'd be sent to jail. Or I'd get sent to Guantanamo Bay. Or hoping I would, I'm not sure which.

Anyway, I got my passport. So maybe, just maybe, there's someone in DC with a sense of humor. If that person is you, please reply. Thanks.