You Don't Bring Me Water, Anymore...

Clients.

You love them. You hate them. Though I went to law school for three years, I did not have one class on 'client relations' or 'evaluating cases.' No, we were too busy learning 14th Century British Common Law to actually get into, you know, how to be a lawyer. Law School is such a scam, but I'll get to that at another time.

I do both Plaintiff's and Defense work. I have no bias either way. I see plenty of deserving Plaintiffs get screwed by the system, and I see plenty of Plaintiffs scam the system, so both sides have some fairly persuasive arguments as to why the other one sucks.

Anyway, one of the most important skills you can develop in a small practice is case evaluation. If you get the right Plaintiff, it can be a very lucrative case.

What is 'the Right Plaintiff?'

Here's the ideal Plaintiff: Young, Rich, Educated, Employed, Married, Kids with disabilities, Maimed. Not dead, just really fucked up for the rest of their life.

And you need a Defendant. Your ideal Defendant is Rich, or Insured, A Drug Addict, Criminal, Drunk, and Thoroughly Reprehensible.

When I evaluate a case, I usually use this as a measuring stick: Young male married dude in Med School gets hit and pees through a tube for the rest of his life by Bill Gates whom is Drunk with six underage Thai hookers in the car at the time of the accident.

Ca-fucking-ching, baby.

Sadly, most calls I get are a far cry from the above.

So I get a call from a potential client about two months ago.

He's injured. It's his landlord's fault. His mom has cancer. He tells me about the cancer twice. Did mom get cancer because of the landlord? Unfortunately not. Can't win them all, I guess.

Then I hear the magic words:

"You don't know landlord, do you? They have a lot of power and influence in this town."

Oh goody, a Conspiracy theorist. I love those guys. You run into these types every so often. They think they're an extra in 'Roadhouse' and the Big Bad Dude is running the town. I guess that makes me Patrick Swayzee. Which isn't good, because despite what Patrick says, pain DOES hurt. A fucking lot.

So I'm already inclined to tell the guy to fuck off. When we spoke on the phone, I told him to bring in any medical records he has. He shows up empty handed. Then I get the 'Why aren't I meeting with the named partner' question. Like I'm the circus side show. But, since business is slow, I press on.

I explain the necessary steps to evaluating his case. I ask him if he has the medical reports. He gets all snotty. "Of course I do, I told you I did on the phone." My bad, you also told me on the phone that you'd bring them. Because I need them to evaluate the case to see if I can take it.

"Ok, so you have the narratives too?"

"Do you know what you're doing? It doesn't sound like you've ever handled one of these cases."

I am now openly glaring at him. 'I asked, because many folks don't necessarily get the narrative along with the x-rays or mri's. I have handled many of these types of matters."

But no, it gets even better. "Do you represent tenants in landlord/tenant court?"

Uh oh, I know what's coming. I've seen this movie, and it never ends well. I close my eyes and mouth the words that I know I can't NOT say:

"Yes, I do."

"Ok, because my landlord has sued me for failure to pay rent..."

Bingo. We have a winner. And by winner, I mean loser.

Big. Fucking. Loser.

"I couldn't pay rent because my mom got cancer..." Again, the mom has cancer card. I got it the first sixteen times. Instead, I say 'I'm not really sure how your mom's cancer is relevant.'

"Because I have to care for her, and because I'm injured, I can't." Nor pay rent, apparently.

Then, after my tone got, well, assholish, he says this:

"I don't think this will work out..." No, really? "...I mean, you didn't even offer to get me a glass of water."

Wait, what? What the fuck did he just say? He's evaluating whether or not I know what I'm doing as a lawyer by whether or not I asked to get his gimpy ass a glass of water?

My reply: 'Have a nice day. It was a pleasure meeting you.'

People love to blame lawyers for our litigious society. People are dead wrong. The fact of the matter is unless I have a client, I can't sue anyone. Since the economy has been underwater, I definitely have received more calls from hard luck clients, looking for any slight to serve as their lottery ticket out of the mess they're in. And they just don't get it: the law is not a lottery ticket. There is no sweepstakes. And the funny thing is, there is some lawyer somewhere that might take the idiot's case. Good luck with that, I guess.

I hope he got evicted.