I could start with a savvy '2009 is the year, unlike any other, where we first discovered X, Y, or Z' and how that somehow makes it a historic year. Progress of mankind and all that nonsense. You'll see a lot of those lists in the upcoming weeks. And most of them suck, mostly because they attempt to somehow distinguish the suckage that was 2009 from the suckage that was 2008, or any other year, for that matter.
But fear not, gentle readers, you'll not get that here. So I'm going to start my own tradition, which will be a top ten list of things you wish to God you never knew that became widespread knowledge in 2009. I was going to put them in descending order, but they all suck so mightily on some level that they are each justifiable #1 sucky things we learned which we wish we never had.
The Economy Blows, Isn't Going to Get Better, and the People that Fucked it the Most are the Ones Recovering First.
Yeah, it's a long title, but unlike Congress, I feel like it's necessary to put useful information in the title of things (more on this later). Anyway, it seems like a year ago that AIG and others got bailed out by our new President (more on him later) because they were 'too big to fail.' Well, apparently they weren't, because they did. Risky investments, rampant greed, ignorance of actual accounting principles and a year later we took it up the ass like a Thai Hooker from David Carridine. He almost made the list too, by the way. Who the fuck jerks off in a closet with a belt around their neck? Isn't that the fucking point of being an actor/famous in the first place? Never having to have sex alone? I'll tell you, some of these 'stars' are really shitty at being famous. If I were a star, you'd have caught me in that closet with Charlize Theron and a camel.
Don't ask what the camel is for, you don't want to know.
Anyway, what makes the economy even more fun, and I mean 'fun' as in 'getting anally raped by a mastadon' is that we're in a 'jobless recovery.' Like anyone knows what the fuck that is.
Congress says 'Health Reform' but actually means 'More Ways to Fine You.'
Remember those halcyon days of March, 2009, where the President made a stand and was going to get health care for all those unfortunate folks that couldn't afford it.
Remember those halcyon days well, because it turned into an opportunity to fine you if you don't procure health care, as well as potentially prevent people from actually being able to afford decent health care insurance. I love it when an opportunity to do some good becomes a giant fuck fest where we all lose out equally. You thought 'equality' meant we all succeeded together? Silly fuckers. It means we all get fucked together. Kind of the same. But not really. It's like winning the lottery only to find out that the 'winner' gets all expense paid trip to Guantanomo Bay. With accomodations. And cock meat sandwiches. YUM!
We Learned that our President Isn't a Savior.
Don't get me wrong, I never thought he was. But remember last year at this time? Yeah, all the 'Change is Coming' stuff. And you know what we learned this year (yet again). Roger Daltry, in "Won't Get Fooled Again" got it right.
"Meet the new boss, same as the old boss."
Now, I certainly don't think Obama and Dubya are the same, but ultimately, we learned that no matter how well intentioned a President is, the 'two party system' will unite like at no other time if the cause is lucrative enough.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Obama is probably a one termer. Not because he sucks, but because no-one could come into the Presidency during such a super-shittastic time and expect to be able to fix an economy, foreign policy, jobs, and health care. President Clinton took a beating just trying to 'fix' one. So did Bush. Obama has to fix all four? He's fucked. And it's not really his fault, but that's the bitch about being at the top, you get blamed for it.
Why isn't it his fault? Cause no one could possibly fix the above problems in one term. It took decades of mistakes to get here, it's going to take decades to undo it.
Michael Jackson was Creepier Than You Previously Imagined.
Now that's fucking saying something. Raise your hand if you believed the following at the beginning of 2009:
"Michael Jackson is probably weirder than I think he is."
Ok, hands?
You! Yeah, you, in the first row. Put your fucking hand down, assclown. There is not one person alive who really thought Michael Jackson was creepier than you previously thought. There is no way any human being can be that creepy, yet exceed your expectations for creepiness.
Jon and Kate Plus Eight = Ten People That Need to Be Aborted. Immediately.
The fact that I know who Jon and Kate are, and you do too, might well be the harbinger of the apocalypse. I have never watched the show. I have never watched an interview with them, nor read an article about them. In fact, I have gone out of my way to avoid them at all costs, yet inexplicably I know who these shitfucks are.
Think about that for a minute. If I spent this much effort avoiding math, I'd be using a calculator to figure out 1+1 = 3. See what I mean? Yet, despite my best efforts to the contrary, I know way more about these fucksticks than I care to. Which is anything at all.
Now that I've gotten that out of the way, the solution is obvious. They all have to die. Yes, the cute ones too. The only way for humanity to progress is to remove these attention whores from the gene pool.
Tiger Woods is a Fallible Human, Andre Agassi Super Pissed
Can you just imagine the following conversation:
Andre: Well, Steffi, the book is done. I talk about everything. How I hated my father. How I hated tennis. How I did Crystal Meth. How I should have never married that Blue Lagoon chick. How I wore weaves. As far as tell-all books go, this is the gold standard. It will be on every Christmas list around the world. Sports fans will rejoice in its honesty and integrity.
Steffi: Hold it there, baldy. Breaking story on CNN.
Andre: What? Global warming? War in Iraq? War in Afghanistan? Health Care Reform? What?!?!?!?!?
Steffi: Apparently Tiger Woods fucked his way through every Waffle House, IHOP, and brothel in the United States.
Andre: But there's no sex in my book!
Steffi: Ah, but you're about to get fucked nonetheless. Hmmm. Seems Tiger drove his Buick into a fire hydrant. It appears his wife came after him with a golf club.
Andre: Thank God I took up tennis.
Seriously, what the fuck do you have to do to get some fucking press in 2009? Andre Agassi, whom I do admire, lays it all out there, only to be upstaged by perhaps the most taciturn sports star of the 21st century. And a couple of thoughts:
Tiger, you're worth a Billion. More than any other sports star in history. Yet, somehow, you can't figure out how to password protect your phone? Or buy a second phone? And you call one of your mistresses and identify yourself by name and ask her to change her phone ID? Jesus titty-fucking Christ, Tiger, you need new handlers.
I know everyone is down on Tiger, but in my mind, this just elevates his achievements. The dude has won 14 majors. I always had a picture of this guy practicing his ass off, total focus, working out like a fiend, and now we find out he was probably too busy fucking everything that moved (including his wife) to have time to buy a second 'minutes only' phone. What does this guys schedule look like:
5:30 a.m. Tee off.
7:30 a.m. Bang cart girl behind 10th green.
9:34 a.m. Finish 18, finish off cart girl.
10:00 a.m. Bang wife, shower.
10:02 a.m. Call mistress, tell her to change ID.
10:05 a.m. Have argument with wife.
10:06 a.m. Get hit with golf club.
Lots of fuzzy stuff here.
2:30 a.m. drive car into fire hydrant.
And now we're learning all sorts of fun tidbits. Tiger doesn't use condoms. He takes Ambien. He likes waitresses (who doesn't?).
And not one bit of it really matters. Love him or hate him, he is probably going to go down in history as the greatest golfer ever. I just never knew he'd go down in history as one of the greatest 'cocksman' ever. Typing that last sentence made me throw up in my mouth just a little bit.
H1N1 Flu is a Gigantic Pussy as Far as Killer Epidemics Go
Once again, the fact that you know that 'H1N1' refers to the Swine Flu - given the fact that 98% of Americans can't name the current Vice President - is a pretty good indicator of how much coverage the Swine Flu received in 2009. Hell, I can't remember the chemical equation for water, but I fucking know this one.
And where are the mass deaths? I don't remember there being this much coverage of the Black Plague in Europe during the middle ages, and that killed like seventy gazillion people. There were also fleas and rats involved, but I'm not sure if the fleas ate the rats and the people ate the fleas and then died when something came out of their stomachs like that dude in "Alien," but I digress.
Anyway, since this is a hard nose journalistic site, I decided to run the numbers. These are from the US government's CDC site.
So, I'll use the median numbers.
Amount of cases: 47 million.
Amount of deaths: 9,820.
I will convert this to batting/killing average. The Swine Flu had 47 million chances to kill people, but only did so on 9,820 occasions, yielding a percentage of .02% of the time it actually successfully killed someone. If a major league player had this for a batting average, he would no longer be in the major leagues. But he might make the record books for worst batting average ever.
So H1N1: What a fucking pussy.
For future reference, please sound the panic alarm on diseases when they actually, you know, have a better chance of killing me than a rabid platypus during an ice storm in Nebraska during the Summer Olympics.
Octomom: Sadly, More Than Just A Villian in Spiderman 3,245
I'm not even going to use her real name, because she doesn't deserve it. How the holy hell this bitch got famous is beyond me. To recap, she already has 24.76 kids, goes to a fertility clinic, tells the 'doctor' to knock her up with a starting line-up plus three bench players, and then proceeds to actually shit out the Dick Van Patten. Yes, I'm calling it the 'Dick Van Patten.'
She's a corrections officer, but somehow having 3,410 children, while not living in Africa and starving, seemed like a good idea. You know someone is going to bust out Sally Struthers to do a telethon for this bitch. Who knows, maybe we'll get an 'Octo-Aid' concert where a bunch of pretentious musicians pontificate on the horror of starvation in California after visiting a fertility doctor and having more kids than you can handle and how we all need a heart to support them.
Two rules of thumb:
One, unless your door locks with laces, and has a foundation of 'rubberized sole' you have no business having 8 kids.
Two, you are allowed to have the amount of children in accordance with the following formula: Woman's IQ + Dad's IQ/100. If Dad isn't around, you don't get to count his IQ. So unless Octomom has an IQ of around 1,400, she's in violation.
Holy Fuck, how awesome would it be to stick her and all her kids in the same house with Jon and Kate and thier brood and have a death match? Now that's reality TV.
Twilight: Proving That Middle Aged Moms Crushing on Teenagers is Just As Creepy As When Men Do It.
Sometimes in the morning, my wife has on the 'Today Show.' Recently, I saw a bunch of moms with signs and whatnot going on and on about 'how cute' the main guy from 'Twilight' was and how they had crushes on him. The character is like 17 years old, but a vampire, so he's really 1,098 years old, and emo. Seriously? Emo vampires? What the fuck is the world coming to? Now even creatures of the night have emotional dilemmas? I like my undead focused on one thing: eating the brains of hot chicks AFTER the gratuitous boob shot.
But what's even skeevier is imagine if there were a bunch of middle aged dads at a Hannah Montana appearance with signs talking about how they love her and how cute she is.
The FBI pedophile division would be down there in 15 seconds cracking skulls (well, this would actually be pretty awesome) and they'd all have to call their probation officers prior to leaving the jurisdiction because they're registered sex offenders. Now, I may be coming off as morally superior but the fact of the matter is that I'm bitter.
This reminds me of that slew of teachers that were banging their 15 year old students. You ever see pictures of some of those teachers? They were fucking hot. And here I am. When I was 15-17, none of my teachers or friends' moms wanted to fuck me. No one did. Christ, I'm not sure anyone wants to now.
I'm going to go cry a bit and listen to Miley Cyrus.
Twitter: Confirming That Our Lives Are Even More Boring Than We First Imagined.
I had held out hope that the internet would be the new education media platform that would bring a new level of discourse and enlightenment to the population at large. We would have debates about the finer points of politics, find out more information about our representatives, become better consumers, expose the scams and otherwise enrich our intellectual lives.
Instead, we got youtube and twitter where every idiot on the planet posts shit in an effort to 'get discovered' and 'become famous.' Now, I know what you're thinking, I'm here blogging in an effort to 'get discovered' and 'become famous.' I assure you, I'm better than that. Why? I have no idea. I'm ok with the hypocrisy of it all, so don't shed any tears for me. Anyway, back to my elusive point.
From what I understand, Twitter is this thing where you can post random thoughts about what you're doing. You have only 140 characters per post (which means this article would be about 2 billion twits, or tweets, or twats, or whatever the fuck they're called today). You update the world on what you're doing at that moment. I've thought long and hard about what my twitter account would look like, and here's what I've come up with:
My nuts itch. I scratched them. The wife said 'ewww.'
I burped. The wife was annoyed.
The dog is laying on me.
The dog farted on me.
Now my taint itches.
Why is my taint itchy? IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS.
Went to the store. I'm back.
Playing video games.
Posting on my blog.
After reviewing the above, I would claim 'most boring existence on the face of the planet' but apparently everyone else is JUST AS FUCKING BORING AS ME!?!?!?
We missed the boat on this whole internet thing. It could have been good. Hell, it could've been great, instead it's been taken over by a bunch of fucking morons updating the world on whatever trivial bullshit they are in the midst of doing at that moment thinking it somehow makes it more important because other people can read it.
Just like this blog.
Ok, that's it for 2009. I'd like to tell you I'm an optimist masquerading as a realist pretending to be a pessimist, but the reality of the situation is I gave up all hope for a better world when "America's Got Talent" got picked up for a second season.
Happy New Year, and here's to hoping 2010 sucks less cock than 2009.
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