Friday was my last day of Vacation in the Dominican Republic, and fortunately I have a few stories. However, I'm going to post them in reverse order, for no other reason than I feel like it. So there.
My wife and I woke up fairly early so we could get in some beach time before we had to leave. We get out on the beach and get under one of those straw umbrellas just as it begins to rain. Sunshowers, which was pretty cool. After about 15 minutes, they pass over and we take a walk down the beach. I turn around and there it is.
A perfect rainbow. I know, it sounds childish, but it was beautiful, one of those rainbows that you could see both ends of it.
We get back and decide to go in the water, which was very nice. I look at my wife and her eyes get wide. I immediately think 'oh, shit, it's a shark, I'm sure going to miss her.' She mouths 'look behind you.' I then think, 'oh, shit, it's a shark, I better get my wife between me and the shark.' I slowly turn.
It's a midget. In a bright bikini. She was a vision. Her little legs and arms and big belly. I thought to myself, 'I've never seen this in 37 years, and I don't think I'll ever see it again. I wish I had my camera.' But alas, she will forever be my 'Dominican Midget Memory.'
We get to the airport, and we're going through security. Which is a bit like kindergarten nap time with all the taking off of shoes and whatnot. So there's a guy in front of me taking off his belt. I get a look at him, and I'm about to turn to my wife and say 'hey, doesn't that look like...'
"Mr. Vermeil?' my wife asks.
"How are you?"
Then, I come up with this genius response:
"Oh my God, we're from Philly!" Yeah, I'm smooth.
So we started talking to him, he was a super nice guy. I said "Coach, it was great to see you win it all with the Rams." He was very gracious. He then turns to me and says:
"You know, ever since I got that hip replacement, I set off those damn metal detectors." Eventually some folks started recognizing him and he took time out to speak with all of them. We talked a bit about golf and the Dominican Republic. Of course, right before we board, my wife, who has a bladder the size of an acorn, needs to go. Right now. So I'm sitting watching our shit while folks are filing past us and Dick Vermeil asked 'what happened to your wife?' I pointed towards the restroom and he laughed. As I got on the plane, he was in first class and made a point to say to me that it was nice talking to me. I said 'You too, Coach.'
He was truly a genuine guy.
Oh, travel tip: ALWAYS have headphones.
We get on the plane, and I took the window seat. Mostly because I'm terrified of flying. So my wife is next to me and this rather large woman sits next to her and is shouting to her friend, about 4,562 rows back, that her bus was late and she almost missed the flight. After about 4 times of shouting this, her friend apparently got it.
She then starts talking to my wife. Now, we've all been in this situation. You're about to get stuck in an uncomfortable situation, whether it be a conversation, a strip search or getting anally raped. You know that your friend/wife/cellmate is done for, but there's still a glimmer of hope for you. You feverishly examine all the possible exits out of the situation and say 'fuck it, my wife's done for, she's on her own.'
I quickly don my ipod headphones. I would have listened to Creed. On constant repeat. That's how annoying this woman was. So I blissfully listened to my music while my wife got lambasted by this woman, who revealed the following details of her life:
Her one sister hung herself because she was unable to find a man and have a baby. If there was a family resemblance, then this mystery was solved within seconds.
The other sister died after a long illness, so she took custody of her niece. I looked over at the sixteen year old niece and she had on headphones too. I guess she saw the same disaster coming and opted out like I did. The woman also mentioned that the sister that had the niece was annoying and her niece was just like her. I love it when annoying people are annoyed by people that they think are annoying. I think that makes sense. Fuck it.
And she wants to meet up with my wife for lunch. I, of course, am encouraging her to go.
Anyway, we touched down in Philly, and as we're going through customs, the guy asks:
"Are you related?" To which I said: 'No.' My wife looks at me and says 'we've been married over a year, we're related you idiot.' The customs guy was laughing his ass off.
My next story will be 'Don't Swim with the French, and Don't Ever Play Volleyball with the Russians.'
No comments:
Post a Comment