Was That Wrong? I Didn't Know You Couldn't Do That!

So I got back into cooking, and since I haven't cooked professionally for about a decade, some training was required. The place I work for was undergoing some changes in the kitchen staff and I was brought along with a couple of new guys. One of those new guys, Albert, was a bit off. Here's two of the first things he told me about when we met on the first shift we worked together.

1) He had a bet with his uncle on the 1980 Superbowl and his uncle never paid up.

My thoughts: let it go, man. Let it go. It was 29 years ago. My response: A look like 'is there some point to all of this?' Ok, to be fair I'm not the most patient man on the planet, and I typically have an awful 'bedside' matter.

2) He caught his wife in bed with not one, not two, but three guys. At the same time. Strangely enough, this led to his divorce.

How on earth this had anything to do with, well, anything, was beyond me. I told him 'that was the luckiest day of your life.' He didn't seem to agree. I was going to explain it, but as my wife has cautioned me on numerous occasions I am 'inappropriate but funny.' This seemed like one of those times. So I let it go.

I ended up working with Albert several times. You ever get a vibe that someone is a bit off, but you can't really put your finger on it? That was Albert. One of the first shifts we worked alone, he kept throwing food away. He said it was 'not good.' I would smell, taste, and go over the food, as the place I work for has the following maxim in place: Don't serve it if you wouldn't eat it. And that is the law, I've seen every cook there throw something away at some point because they wouldn't eat it.

But not like this. I finally had to say to Albert (after the fifth container of something went in the trash) 'Yo, is there anything you think is ok to serve tonight?'

'My taste is off, I might be stuffed up.'

I looked at him like 'you are a fucking retard.' I still double checked all the food, actually, triple checked, to make sure it was ok. It was all fine. Anyway, my shift ended and I went home.

After the Terrence incident, which I'll get to a later point, I did not think that you could find a worse employee. Two weeks later, I was proven wrong. VERY wrong. By Albert.

During my Friday night shift, I was talking with the owner, who told me the following, 'yeah, we're thinking of moving you to Sunday days because we're letting Albert go.' I figured it was a cost measure because all of us had our hours cut lately. Not quite an 'overhead' firing, as I would come to learn.

Me: 'Man, sorry to see him go, just couldn't keep him around?'
Owner; 'Well, no. He had to leave on Friday to do a drug deal.'
Me: 'Heh, no really?'
Owner: 'I'm not kidding, the kitchen manager told me about it today.'

Ok, that right there sealed it. On Sunday, I work at night, but my manager was in early, so I stopped in yesterday to talk with him. I grab a beer at the bar and ask my kitchen manager:

'What happened with Albert?'

'You're not going to believe what this motherfucker did. We're working on Friday, and he says to me 'yo, I got to go out around the corner for ten minutes.' I said 'what for.' He said 'I have to deliver a package to my friend.' I said 'What kind of package?' He said 'Coke, but it's my friend's.'

My manager was stunned. I mean, who wouldn't be? We all tell little white lies to get out of work sometimes. Maybe you say you're sick when you're just hungover, or you have jury duty, or Grandma died. Again.

But to tell your manager you need ten minutes to deliver drugs? In what world does that constitute 'the best excuse to leave for ten minutes in the middle of my shift.' Fuck, 'I took Viagra and I've been hard for five hours' would have been a more appropriate excuse. By the way, someone needs to try that and tell me how it goes with their employer.

So I ask my manager: 'What did you tell him?'

'I told him to bring me a paper on his way back.'

Me and the bartender had tears in our eyes, we were laughing so hard.

'So you didn't fire him right then and there?'

'No, I was just too shocked over his honesty to think about it.'

So I showed up for my shift last night, and my manager was in, sitting at the bar. I walked up to him and said: 'Hey man, I need to go around the corner and rape a busload of nuns. You want me to bring you back a paper?'

Inappropriate, but funny. I hate it when my wife's right.